The Softball Lineup

Whenever people say that something is better than sex, I usually think, You're probably not doing it right. But I've recently realized that I've turned down opportunities for sex more often than I have chances to play softball.
How's that for frightening?

All of my softball teams kick off their seasons next week.

Over the last 7 years, I've played for every type of team imaginable — men-only, co-ed, competitive, not-so-much, etc. — with/against players of every skill level.

So now's a perfect time to run down the characters you run into during softball games. This may seem like a rip-off of the The Phat Phree's Usual Suspects of the Men's Locker Room, but I've been hanging onto this idea for a long time.

Here we go ....

• The manager who thinks he's running the Yankees. I hate the manager that calls you at work on game day to see how you are feeling, and thus gauge where to place you in the lineup — a lineup that changed significantly whether a guy went 1-for-3 or 2-for 3. Or the guy that wears a C on his jersey, which is utterly embarrassing. But the one that takes the cake: The manager that doesnt play you at your usual shortstop because that's a "leadership" position, and he doesnt want a newcomer there. You have to love guys who invoke chemistry issues into softball.

• The guy with two batting gloves. Any time a guy steps to the plate like this, I warn my outfielders, "Look out, it's Willie Mays Hayes!" which usually means, "Take a couple of steps in because he's got a baseball stance, gonna take a huge swing, cut under the ball and hit a lazy fly." I can't think of a single excellent player I've seen wear two batting gloves.

• The hot chick who can't play. "Nice cut!" on a lazy looper to short. "Awesome play!" after a routine toss from second. "You almost beat it out!" when they're out by 15 feet. The whole time you're thinking, "She'd better come out and get wasted after the game, or else this is gonna be a waste of time."

• The hot chick who can play. The rarest breed. You see one maybe every couple of years. Occasional proofs that god exists.

• The guy who has to get dirty. They slide into first. They slide into home when the entire bench is yelling, "Stand up!" Hell, they slide back to the dugout area. Better them than me, because if there's there's gonna be bleeding on my bed sheets, it had better be from a virgin and not because my knee is scabbed from sliding into home during a meaningless softball game.

• The lefty who hits .900. In any league, the four best defenders are all on the left side of the field — SS, 3B, LF, LC. In a co-ed league, the discrepancy is even more pronounced, as there's usually a chick at second and in right. No offense, ladies, but there's a reason one of you is always catching, and it's because 95% of you are not as good as the average guy. Cheers to the 5% who are. Anyway, lefties have all the advantages, including short fences at some fields, and I don't even want to hear about the throw from second being short. You should be blistering it by lead-footed fielders anyway.

• The old guy who draws three-ball counts, then slaps singles everywhere. After the maddening frustration, the saving grace is that it's gonna take two doubles to score him from first.

• The catcher who is a walking health hazard. I'm only gonna say this once. To field a throw to home, stand in front of the plate, catch the ball first, then swipe. Those who stand behind the plate, then lunge onto it and into the runner are a boon to doctors' bills everywhere. (The ones who don't understand this are usually the ones two-hopping the ball back to the pitcher, as well.)

• The guy with college/minor-league experience. I used to play with/against some of the best players in Ct at the Sportsplex, and a few of these guys would absolutely destroy the ball, even pitches falling from a 12-foot arc. There's just no defending them. Like Dave Winfield hitting off Jimmy Kimmel in a celebrity game.

• The foreigner who overruns second base. You've seen these scocer lovers. They're in OK shape, look like they can play. The defense plays way too far back, and we get our hopes up when they beat out a 12-hopper to deep short. Then they fuck up the inning by thinking they can run past second, too, on the ensuing dunk hit by the following batter. Makes me want to pull my hair out even more than those who don't think they have to tag the runner in non-force situations, allowing a runner who should've been out by three steps to sneak a foot in.

• The Selfish prick who buys a $400 bat and wont let anyone else use it because he doesnt want you taking "Hits" out of it .

• The guy who takes forever during batting practice. All right, Wade Boggs, take your five cuts and grab a glove. If you fuck up the fifth miserably, feel free to take a courtesy sixth. But there are 20 people in line and no one cares if you suck and need 20 practice pitches to work on your swing. That's why you're hitting eighth.

That's just a couple of them , Im sure you guys can think of 1000 more .

Here we go .....

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